Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee: He shall never suffer the righteous to be moved. (Psalm 55:22)
Through all of my grieving about losing Tony so suddenly, I had the other half of my life crumbling down around me as well. My son, Jacob did not take Tony’s death well. I take that back. I don’t know how he took Tony’s death because when he came home and found out that Tony had passed, he left my home and I have not seen him since. I have not spoken to my only child in almost three months. I don’t know where my son is. I don’t know if he is even alive. I tried to get help from the police to find Jacob but they would not help me. They said that he was 19 and an adult and therefore there was nothing they could do.
I tried to explain to them that Jacob is disabled. He has Autism. He may legally be an adult but he is disabled to extent that he was deemed not able to handle his own money so I was his representative payee. So even though he is an adult he should have been treated as a disabled person whom needed to be found and received help. But that is not how life played out.
Jacob and me in Louisville Kentucky while I took a Grant Writing class.
At that time, I went into autopilot. I immediately realized that I just would not live through having to deal with losing the most important people in my life at the same time. I had to deal with Tony passing for obvious reasons. I blocked off all emotion about the worry and desperation that I am now being engulfed and swallowed up by. My son will turn 20 years old this Friday and I am now back at the starting point of loss, grief, and worry.
Worry implies that we don’t quite trust God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what’s happening in our lives. ~ Francis Chan
God says for us not to worry. Worrying is so unproductive and accomplishes nothing excepting producing anxiety, stress, and fear. I must put my faith in the Lord to see me through this overwhelming loss and worry that I have this morning. I need to find other things to do and make it productive and very time-consuming. I have many other things in my life that need attending to so I will go today and trust in God that He will ease my worry and watch over my son. I LOVE YOU MY MIRACLE BABY!
Regards,
~ Holley
Grieving Through Loss With God 