But at midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the prisoners were listening to them. Suddenly there was a great earthquake, so that the foundations of the prison were shaken; and immediately all the doors opened and everyone’s chains were loosed [broken] (Acts 16:25-26)
I sat down yesterday and tried so hard to count my blessings. Being that is was Jacob’s birthday, I spent the day doing anything possible to distract myself from the devastation that has become my life. My pregnancy with Jacob was very complicated. I remember his birth so well because it was traumatic and exhilarating at the same time. I did good yesterday staying busy until 6:47 pm. It was that second that I lost it and feel onto my bed with the inability to breathe.
I do feel like life is passing me by and that I am just this weary soul watching life on this planet from some other dimension. I want to return to life as i have realized that neither Tony or Jacob are coming back. With the New Year coming, I have spent many hours in prayer asking for guidance for the new year and the actions I take regarding my loss of losing my best friend and my heart. I also worry about my finances and my career remaining stagnant as I grieve Tony’s passing.
The Lord says that He opens doors for His faithful followers. I feel that I am chained to my past but I know that this is the devil sitting on my shoulder trying to convince me that I cannot go on or overcome and deal with Tony’s death so I might give up and just dwell. There are times when I think that it is okay to feel this way as it validates my commitment and dedication to Tony. But in reality, I know it is the temptation that is making me weak.
You will remained chained to your past and all of the secrets therein until you decide enough is enough. T. D. Jakes
We all want to remain in the past as this is where our memories lie. But this is self-destructive. However, this change was given to me for better or worse. I must learn to “get back in the game”. But I also need to believe and know that it doesn’t mean I am forgetting or leaving Tony. That is where my weaknesses show up. I find myself, even today, thinking that this is a nightmare and I am going to wake up soon.
Yet, as I do that I am missing the life I am blessed with now and all its glories. In times like this I think it might be a good idea to write down some of my goals. If I can concentrate on the future than the past won’t be suffocating me and I can learn to live in grief through God. I have so many goals that I want to achieve but for this exercise I am trying to think about the goals that will lead to long-term success and happiness.
- Take on a business opportunity that is a chance of a life time.
- Create more workshops for my business that will benefit my clients.
- Find a new church.
- Take better care of myself physically.
- Journal more about my thoughts on many topics.
- Read one book a month.
- Revise my business plan using LivePlan.
- Be more confident in my abilities and skills.
- Gain 6 clients in the next year.
- Write research papers that interest me.
- Volunteer online with nonprofit technology companies.
- Focus on growing my audience and skills on Adobe Education Exchange
- Learn a new skill each month about solutions to ordinary things by reading the book I got from Katie
- Write a budget and stick to it
- Network in this area to gain leads to grown my business
To Be Continued……
Never allow yourself to settle for anything less than the attitude God wants you to have in your heart. T. D. Jakes
I am strong and I will prevail with the help of the Lord. Will you?
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