Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; before you were born I sanctified you; I ordained you a prophet to the nations (Jeremiah 1:5).
This has been a tough couple of weeks for me. I am glad the holidays are over and life can go on because I don’t know how much more I could take. In the past three months I have had to deal with three deaths. First my fiancee, Tony whom I talk about a lot here and is the reason I started this blog. Secondly, my PaPa died right before Christmas. He battled cancer for some time but finally was taken to be with the Lord to rid him of pain. Then, my ex mother in law died at the end of December. I have had all I can take of death.
Not only have I had to deal with the surrounding death but I also returned for the last time to the storage unit where all of Tony and my belongings were housed. It was a very difficult day on many levels for me. I am grateful for the help of those that were there that day and worked tirelessly as I broke down when seeing certain items in the storage unit. The raw emotions of losing Tony came rushing back to me so many times that day. It has just been a rough few weeks.
It doesn’t help that the holiday season is hard on people emotionally anyway. It is compounded by the fact that so much death has surrounded me. I know that other people are going through trials and tribulations that, I am sure, are more difficult than mine. I wondered my purpose. Why was I allowed to live when there is so much death around me? Why not me? What makes my life any more valuable that I deserve to be alive? Who needs me? What is my purpose?
God has placed certain things in us that must come out. We house the prophetic power of God. Every word of our personal prophetic destiny is inside us. He has ordained us to be. ~ T.D. Jakes
This moment was meant for me. This passage was my answer. The reading from this book today answered some of my wonder and struggle over the past few weeks. God wants to see us transform. He wants us to follow the path He lay down for us before we were even born. I try to grasp this concept but come up with more questions. If I have a purpose that God has planned since before my creation, why put Tony in my life just to take him away? Obviously it is not my purpose to be with Tony so why make me suffer so by losing him?
So many questions. So much powerlessness. So overwhelming. I could go on and on but what would be the point. I need to trust in the Lord that although my grief is raw and tainted, I still do have purpose. There is more for me to do before my time is up. So now what? How do I figure out what my purpose is now that Tony is gone? I thought my purpose was to make a life with him and be happy in my relationship. When I think of all the plans that Tony and I had, I wonder, “What is my purpose?”
I am weary and I come to the Lord and ask that He show me my purpose. I want and need His guidance. I want Him to release in me the power to become what He has planned for me. I cannot productively go on without having some idea of why I am left here. I need His guidance to show me the way. I am not strong enough to do this on my own.
To all who receive Him, Christ gives the power to slip out of who they were forced into being so they can transform into the individual they each were created to be. ~ T.D. Jakes
What steps can I take to keep moving forward? I need to and am setting up big goals for the next year and am trying to focus on those life goals to help distract me from my grief. I just pray that my goals are in line with what God has planned for me. I am tired of going down paths that seem to take me nowhere. I feel this way but I also know deep down that the paths I went down last year had to be for a reason. There had to be a reason why I suffered so much last year.
Well, Lord, I pray that you show me the way. Help me become the transformed person that you have planned for me since before my inception. Lead me in the right direction dear Lord for it is a new year. I am trusting that this year will not be filled with so much dread. I need His help in holding on to hope and purpose for my life. I need His help to find my destiny. What is your purpose? Do you struggle to find your purpose as you deal with the loss of a loved one? I do. That is why I must lay it all at His feet. How about you?