And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what that is good and acceptable and perfect will God (Romans 12:2)
I have not been allowing the Holy Spirit transform me to that I can live my life with God. I have been living the life in this world. I have allowed myself to not pay attention to the signs around me. I have struggled the whole month of January 2018. I think that what we were doing last January and got caught up in sorrow as I watched our memories every single day, looked at pictures and can see how happy we were; never knowing that in a blink of an eye, EVERYTHING can change.
That being said, I have struggled with my selfishness in that I cry and beg for Tony to be back here with me. I just took it for granted that Tony doesn’t feel the way I do. He is in heaven and his mental and emotional state are in a place that is full of wonder and love. That place is heaven. I knew that heaven is better and loving. I just didn’t think about what I knew about heaven and place myself on the outside and Tony on the other side. That other side that is a place full of tears of joy, worship, and undeniable love.
Death has no power over the Christian. Because of Christ’s death and resurreaction, death has lost its sting. We have hope of heaven.
I have also had a lot of struggles with Tony being in heaven and not here with me. I know that I am the one with pain and grief. I just know how much Tony loved me and assumed that he was suffering as I have been doing. God has prepared a place for us. We should have such hope and realization of this fact.
Dear Lord, I just ask that when I doubt or feel so bad that Tony and I are not together, show me the hope of heaven. I need You now more than ever before. My soul is selfish and has allowed me to be transformed by the things of this planet. I praise You, Lord, that Tony is so very happy right now. I will try to reiterate that in my mind when I am feeling down and depressed and so full of pain.
I ask this in Your name, God. Amen. I have struggled with my business goals as well. I am scared and worried all the time. I have not given all of that worry to You. I am a human and full of sin. I know that God wants me to be all of what He sees in me. I know that through Him, I can conquer my fears and complacency.
The Bible teaches that we are to be renewed by the transforming of our minds. Only the Holy Spirit knows how to renew the mind. The struggle we have inside us is with our self-preception ~ T. D. Jakes
I know that God knows my heart and at times get angry at Him allowing me to be in such pain. I feel that I have done something so wrong for Him to allow this situation to happen to me. Yet, God is the only One who really knows me. I have to put trust and obedience in God. I know He has a plan for me…I have just gotten off track for a bit.
Regards,
~ Holley
Grieving Through Loss With God 